His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
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We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
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Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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