we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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