i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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