I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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