I have demons in me.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
