The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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