Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
