Pants 0. Shit 1.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
