How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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