My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
