my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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