I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
