a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
