We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
