I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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