I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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