my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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