An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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