I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
