did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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