I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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