the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
whose ass print is on the piano?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
