I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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