Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
