if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
