Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
