I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
