last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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