Im at strip club and am horny
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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