Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
