I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
