I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
