I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
COCAINE IS GR8
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
