I hate your face
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
