im having a threesome with these popsicles
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
