wrigley field is MILF paradise
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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