I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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