WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
