Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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