when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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