Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
