Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
