i just wanna soil my oats bro
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
