I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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