I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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