oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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