I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
