I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
