I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
