new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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