remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon