she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
