Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
