I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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