That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
did i just pee glitter
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
