my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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