I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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