I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
