she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
